May 8, 2010

My Whiney Rant

Maren's cath is scheduled for Wednesday this week. I am a complete mess. I don't know that I have ever wanted a day to come and never come at the same time so badly. The cath will give us answers and that is the only positive thing I can think of.

The day's gonna go like this:

We'll wake up, pretty much in the middle of the night, to take Maren to the hospital. At first she'll be excited. (She loves any excuse to not sleep.) About half way there she'll make a "W" with her chubby little hand and tap it on her mouth, asking for water, but all we'll be able to offer her is her binky. Then she'll tell us she's hungry, and again, her binky will be her best offer.

Once we get there, we'll wait and then they'll come in to take her away. I'll bite my lip, holding back tears, trying not to look too concerned so as not to upset Maren any more than she already is. She'll slip out of my view and that is when I'll burst into tears.

Randy and I will sit in the waiting room and pull out the fifth season of Scrubs we just bought off of Amazon for this special occasion. Our hearts will stop every time we here "Code Blue" announced over the hospital intercom while we wait for a rush of doctors to fly by us. When they don't come, we'll go back to watching our show.

A cath lab nurse will come out every so often to give us updates on Maren, probably right as we're laughing out loud at JD or Turk's wacky antics. The nurse will give us a curious look, thinking we're weirdos for kicking back, watching our stories while our kid is unconscious and strapped down to a table in the next room, but Randy and I will brush it off. The cath nurse thinking we're freaks is a small price to pay to drown our anxiety in a ridiculous parody of hospital life.

After several episodes of Scrubs, the cath doctor will come out. One of two things will happen next: 1) we’ll be told that Maren's heart function is improved and surgery is a good option for her. That's the "good" news-- open heart surgery. 2) We'll be told that Maren is not a good candidate for surgery. That's the bad news. We take Maren home, start planning our move to Michigan, and begin to wonder what will come first-- improved heart function and surgery or heart failure and transplant.

Sigh. I realize how pathetic this sounds, but I feel better just writing it down.

16 comments:

summer said...

not pathetic. absoulutley not pathetic. we will be thinking and praying for you on wed.

MaryBeth said...

You're my favorite sister in MD, Sarah. When I come out we'll eat Coldstone and cry together.

Mandi said...

Oh.My. Gosh. I would be a complete, absolute, blubbering mess. I don't know how you're handling this at all. I am serious.

*HUGS*
Praying for Maren. Love you guys.

p.s.- Michigan??

Josh, Sandy, Jaclyn, and Kinsey said...

Many prayers coming your way on Wednesday. If it makes you feel any better, the cath people actually allowed us to carry Jaclyn all the way back to the cath lab table. This can be a toss up though - I had to actually sit Jaclyn down on the table and leave her as she was crying with a mask over her face giving her some "happy air". We know how difficult this time can be. Please let us know if we can do anything!

Mom said...

Rant away. We love you. We are hear every step of the way.

Mom said...

I actually meant here. But then--I hear it good as well. Talk to me!

Mom said...

Shit! Can't talk or spell today.

MaryBeth said...

Thanks mom. Now everyone will know that it's not our fault that we cuss like sailors.

Maren Hansen said...

I'm just going to pretend that your mom didn't say shit, Sarah. After all, I would never say any damn words like that... :) I love you and Maren will be in our hearts and prayers. Good idea on Scrubs--the Office is what we watch when we need a good laugh, but we're down to season 5 and I'm going to need a replacement.

Josh, Sandy, Jaclyn, and Kinsey said...

You ladies make me laugh! Nice to know I'm not the only mama who has potty mouth at times! :)

My Name's Sarah said...

Michigan. Turns out they have an awesome children's hospital and a border to patrol. The temple's right up the street, too. The only thing it lacks is family :( We're determined to get at least one sibling up there, though.

For the record, I do not cuss like a sailor. I don't think mom does either. Mary may cuss like a baby sailor. That being said, I do think cussing like a sailor is funny.

MaryBeth said...

LOL at the baby sailor. Hells yeah!

John Harper - Persister/Reactor said...

My heart hurts... I'm reminded of Lilly, Aren, and our Whitney. Nothing can ever prepare a parent to watch their child suffer. Our prayers are with you.

The Schoonies said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Schoonies said...

i just shared with the primary children yesterday about how Christ recognized his mom standing there as He was on the cross and the anguish Mary must have felt as a mom because as a mom i will do anything to take away or minimize my children's pain. i have no idea all that you guys have been through in Maren's life, but i admire your strength and faith. thanks for always sharing. we wish you all the best this week. lots of love - trent and ash

J & A Danes said...

Sarah - I found your blog today and laughed my butt off as I read through your posts. I won't get through this comment without crying so at least I am sparing you from having to see me bawl. I will never forget sitting in that hospital waiting room while Joseph was in surgery and hearing that a "Sarah Robinson" was on the phone for me. I will never forget your and Randy's generosity in bringing homemade meals to me or taking me grocery shopping. I will never forget Randy coming to sit with Joseph so that I could get out of the hospital and get a break. How I wish that I could call you during all of Maren's medical stuff and bring you and Randy homemade meals, just be there to support you as you were there for me. I will NEVER forget your kindness and pray that one day I will have the opportunity to return it. You will be in our thoughts and prayers. We love you and wish we lived closer!